Upper Body Tonight Was a Bad Choice

Well, shockingly enough I have gotten some feedback on my blog. More shocking is that people want MOAR! So, who am I to disappoint my admirer(s)? This past week has been a bit of a challenge work-out-wise. Lemme change that - it was a challenge eating-wise. For I set sail from the cozy confines of downtown Tampa to the class lifestyle that is....Ybor City. To say moving was a challenge is an understatement. Two days of blood, sweat, and tears, but here I am, in a bad-ass converted duplex with two great friends. Plus, the neighborhood isn't 'Baghdad-lite' as I originally anticipated. Very quiet, clean, working-class, and in the middle of everything. But now we've got more shit lying around than we know what to do with, and not a lot of motivation at this point to unpack. As a result, eating healthy is a bit of a challenge. Whoduhthunkit? So I gave myself a cheat weekend and got back on the wagon today.

And boy could I have used a) a day off from the gym, and b) good food. 'Cause I kept on my schedule, which called for an upper body workout. Guh. Not to mention I had to go to the Palm Ave Y as opposed to the Downtown Y. Double guh. It was exactly like, well, moving into a new house. Everything isn't where it's supposed to be. There are no familiar faces. And your routine goes out the window. Having to work in between one or two other people isn't conducive to an efficient workout. Plus, and I hate to admit this, but the dudes working out with the dumbbells were fucking jacked. I don't know if I'll ever look like them (or want to), but they looked like they'd use the dumbbells I was using as toothpicks. But I forced myself through my gurrrrrrrrrly maaaaaaahn shame and got to it. Alas it was another instance where I struggled to get through my routine.

Since I wasn't able to get a weigh-in on Saturday, I moseyed on to the scale after my work out. Starting at 201, I'm now at 197. Not a whole lot considering I've been pretty damn good with working out and eating, but I can see the difference. A couple of people at a party on Saturday remarked that, essentially, my face didn't resemble the Stay-Puff marshmallow man. It could've been my pre-pubescent beard covering the chub, but I'll take it. I know I see it in the gut area. Which I couldn't be happier about. Because.....well, I got my measurments done last week. And it ain't pretty.

Like I mentioned from the beginning, my goals are to lose 30 lbs of body fat, gain 10 lbs of muscle, and not wanna shut my eyes when I see myself naked. I was assisted by one of the trainers at the Y to get my body fat and measurements done. Because of the move, I cannot locate them. Rest assured I will post them when I find them. But I ain't gonna like it. And y'all may be shocked. But what I do remember is:

• My biceps, triceps, quads and calves are the same size on the right and left. That means even though I'm a wuss, I've got bad-ass technique. So I've got that going for me. Which is nice.
• My body fat is 27.6%. And conservatively 75% of it is in the gut. Hey check it, ladies: I'M A FUCKING PEAR! COME GET SOME!!!!!!!!
• I kept thinking "Man why couldn't I not be such a lazy slug over the last few years. This wouldn't be so tough otherwise.". An ounce of prevention indeed. Or pounds as the case may be.

So, I'm going to not focus on the weight as much as I will on the measurements and the BF %. I know the weight will come off eventually. If I turn fat into muscle, that will allow me to burn more fat quicker. Then the cycle of transformation continues. Overall, I'm happy with my progress. I have tons more energy throughout the day (mainly because I'm not stuffing my gullet in one food orgy a day), I see results, and my mood is more even throughout the day. So I figure I'll continue down the path towards a healthier lifestyle. If nothing else, it'll feed my ego as more and more people tell me they like reading about this stuff.

Well, here we are. Again. It's Friday, and all I wanna do is get as far away from the office as quickly as possible. Downstairs there is a seminar being put on by our 3rd party sales trainers. Since I didn't get anybody to attend, I don't have to go. Woo! Whatever, I put 5 whole calls out. I did my part.

Moving on, my cardio yesterday was uneventful. A good workout, but no stories to tell. Why? I decided to give my creaky joints a rest and use the elliptical instead. I typically use a treadmill because it's easy to regulate the speed and incline up and down as I get through my workout. But between the shin splints and achy knees Tuesday, I needed to switch it up. Needless to say, other than upping the intensity, the elliptical is where it's at. The daily eats was good, as I kept up my 6 small meals/day ratio. Some are real meals, some are shakes for when I'm on the road. All in the name of keeping the ol' metabolism up. Side note, I'm only providing weight/body fat updates every two weeks. I figure it'll be less trying on my psyche because I won't be concerned with the infinitesimal changes that occur daily. So, my first update on that front is a week from Saturday. Please don't fall off your chairs as you sit on the very edge of them. Kthx.

After my workout yesterday, I met up with some peeps at Tampa's 'Rock The Park'. It's a free concert outside the Glazer Children's Museum. Normally, it's a 'pack a roadie until I can get some beers in me' kinda event, but being the ever-so-vigilant blogger/health nut (heh), I decided to go the sober route (meh). It's not so much the calories in booze I'm worried about, it's the other calories I inhale once I've thrown a bunch of alcohol down my throat. And oh, did I mention the 'Wicked 'Wiches' truck was there? Yeah. They're the mobile equivalent of the guy who deep fries everything at the State Fair. One drink and I would be knee deep in a double-deep-fried monte cristo. As comical as that may be to you, dear reader, I'm gonna skip that part. However, I will say that I was HONGRY and needed something to add to the 1/2 chicken breast/spoonful of rice, half a pepper I ate before I walked over. So, I went with the least unhealthy thing - coconut chicken curry sammich. All I can say is,

*puts on hoity-toity food critic hat*

the sweet, cheap bread blended away the vinegary crap that was the chicken. Mercifully, the half a sandwich I received only cost *checks bank statement* $7?!?! Goddamnit. Note to self - don't expect anything good and healthy and cheap off the back of what used to be a plumbing truck.

I missed the first band and showed up just in time to witness the second band. Looking at the lead singer, I'm quick to impose judgement (yeah, like you don't. step off.). I'm hoping for some early '90's Mudhoney kinda sound, as the lead singer looks like he got straight off the boat at Puget Sound. I'm expecting, after the first few bars, southern Nickelback. Guh. Surprisingly, they were pretty good. Lead singer guy is a helluva guitar player, and had this groovy/bluesy/fuzzy sound going. If I remember their name and I see they're out and about in Tampa at a club, I would gladly pay the cover.

As we're watching Fuzzy Groove (it can't be much worse than their actual name), I notice the headlining band gathering their gear to the side of the stage. Immediately, I notice something interesting - BLACK DRUMMER GUY!!!!!! In my experience, a black drummer in a white band is approximately 1547 times more talented than the sum of the hipster crackers in the band. Call me racissssss or whatever, but I've got empirical proof. Wanna see it? Go see ya mom, I gave her the details last night. Plus, while the rest of the band rock their hipster uniform (tight jeans, flannel, chuck taylors), this guy's got on a sweater, regular fit jeans and work shoes. And a blazer. Smoove. And once again, my empirical evidence is validated. The band gets up, and the first few bars remind me of some warm Sonic Youth/Yo La Tengo. Fuck and yes. However, my money is still on BDG to blow up their spot and take over. Maybe some interesting time changes or cool fills involving cymbal stands. ANYTHING. Especially since they dive right into a bland power pop groove (an oxymoron, I know) that immediately gets me thinking about getting back to la casa. Not to mention the temperature has dropped about 20 degrees and the wind is whipping like I'm back on the shores of Lake Minnet....errr...I mean, Lake Erie. But nope. BDG falls in line with the rest of the drones and slogs on in 4/4 time. Admittedly, he clearly is the best musician of the bunch. As someone who pines to become a rock drummer, you begin to notice who's just keeping time, and who's frustratingly being held back. This guy was in the latter group. But his talent was no match for my wicked lack of attention span, so off I walk with C & J to catch a ride home and warm my bones.

Thisiscrazythisiscrazythisiscrazy...

Hello there, welcome to my version of the 21 century's version of mirrors on the ceiling - my blog! I've toyed with the idea of writing something.....anything..... to look back on. Kind of like a journal, but with more self-realization. Right now, I feel like Chevy Chase at the edge of the pool where Christy Brinkley awaits. How to start, etc. So, why not jump right in and get the jibblets to look like an embryonic monkey's? And no, dear reader, I expect plenty of poo-flinging. If that's your fancy, hop aboard! If not, well....at least read the first entry to see if something else tickles your fancy. Don't be so fucking judgmental. Jeez.

I've made the executive decision to NOT die a death only a first world male would suffer. I am doing something about it. So, at the risk of ridicule from my 3D friends (they know who they are), I'm bearing my pimply, fat ass via Blogger (woo plugging!) and going to submit my workouts and meals. Hence, the 'From Zero to Hero' title (yes, Vanilla Ice reaches me that way). Perhaps I can gain inspiration from you when I'm not feeling motivated to get a workout in. Maybe you're in the same boat as me and are looking for a "hey-this-ham-and-egger-can-do-it-why-can't-I" moment. Or, you could be just looking for the LOLZ and I hope to provide that for you along the way. I'm guessing my workout routines aren't the essence of comedy, so I'm assuming I'll have some inspiration to put something else of interest as I post. Or you can laugh at me mercilessly as I stumble through my first foray into public writing. Let's get to it!

To start, I've decided to revisit a now-old but effective regimen - Body For Life (http://bodyforlife.com/). I first completed the course back in aught 1, when I first moved to Virginia Beach and had zero social life. I marveled at the transformation of those depicted in the book. Naturally, I thought it was total bullshit. But, if I got a portion of the results these freaks of nature did, I would be made in the shade! So I jumped in fully. And even though I didn't look like I could be the cover model of "Cut Up Oily Meat Head Monthly", I saw significant results. I didn't lose a pound. That's right, zero. BUT! I went from 27% body fat to 15% in 12 weeks. So I got muscl-y and less love-handle-y. Naturally, the weekend after I finished the 12 weeks I went to New York, hung out with buddies, eat like shit, drank like Robert Downey Jr. off the wagon, smoked, and put myself on a path that leads me to..........today. I'm facing the wrong side of 35, I've never been fatter, and I find a new ache every morning when I drag my ass out of bed. So I basically looked at myself (cue insipid motivational montage) in the mirror and decided....NEVER AGAIN.

My goals are simple - lose 30 pounds of fat, gain 10 pounds of muscle, and do it in 12 weeks. They're not easy, but they're straight forward. They're not easy because the workouts can be tough, I get bored easily, and I FUCKING HATE WORKING OUT. Oh, did I not mention that? Yah, I'm guessing that's one of the reasons the Hutt-like form writing this came to be. The nutrition portion I can handle - 6 small meals a day (protein, carb, veggie/fruit), that I figure come out to 200-300 calories a meal. All protein is lean (chicken/fish), carbs are complex (whole wheat FTW), and tons of veggies which is A-OK with me. Best part though - you get a CHEAT DAY! Holy mother of monsodium glutamate and high fructose corn syrup I get a cheat day! Planning it to be a slovenly 12 Saturdays, filled with fried, oily foods, washed down with the finest liquors I can get my grubby paws on. I can already see my first cheat day already.....beer, chicken wings and pork, potatoes...'scuse me while I clean the drool up....

The workout part is 6 days - three weights, three cardio. Since I missed Monday ('cause I'm nothing unless I'm the worlds best self-bullshitter), I'll run down the routine. Cardio will be activities with increasing intensities every minute for 5 minutes, then back to a lesser intensity. If you looked at a graph of my run yesterday, it would look like the profile of four half-made pyramids (no wonder the Egyptians didn't spare the whip har har). The idea is by confusing the heart and making my exercise EKG look like every organ is gonna burst out of my chest, I lose weight. Well, the buff looking gentleman on the cover of B4L says that's the way to do it, and why would he lie to me? Right? So far, so good with day one. I ate well, never cheated, and got my cardio in. So, let's get with the fat loss. I weighed myself before yesterdays run/waddle/collapse, and I was 201 with my shoes on. So, let's call it an even 199 because I don't know if my fragile ego can take 2 bills. And I'm guessing my 6 year old running shoes weigh at least 2 pounds.

Today was lower body - quads, calves, hamstrings, abs, all with the same idea: increasing the intensity throughout each workout. So, you do 12 reps on the lowest weight, 10 on a higher weight, 8, on the higher weight, then 6, then 12 on the same weight as the 8-rep weight, THEN do a totally different exercise for 12. I used to play soccer very competitively when I was younger. I still have the legs, but HOLY FUCKING MUSCLE BURN I couldn't get through it today. Granted, they still look unreal (haterz gon' hate) but the fact I couldn't get though what I consider a strong suit for me opened my eyes. It's a long road ahead for me, that's for sure....and if this doesn't work out, I can always follow in the footsteps of my idol, Patrice O'Neal.

Current weight: 199 lbs
Current Body Fat: um....that would be helpful, right?