Hello there, welcome to my version of the 21 century's version of mirrors on the ceiling - my blog! I've toyed with the idea of writing something.....anything..... to look back on. Kind of like a journal, but with more self-realization. Right now, I feel like Chevy Chase at the edge of the pool where Christy Brinkley awaits. How to start, etc. So, why not jump right in and get the jibblets to look like an embryonic monkey's? And no, dear reader, I expect plenty of poo-flinging. If that's your fancy, hop aboard! If not, well....at least read the first entry to see if something else tickles your fancy. Don't be so fucking judgmental. Jeez.
I've made the executive decision to NOT die a death only a first world male would suffer. I am doing something about it. So, at the risk of ridicule from my 3D friends (they know who they are), I'm bearing my pimply, fat ass via Blogger (woo plugging!) and going to submit my workouts and meals. Hence, the 'From Zero to Hero' title (yes, Vanilla Ice reaches me that way). Perhaps I can gain inspiration from you when I'm not feeling motivated to get a workout in. Maybe you're in the same boat as me and are looking for a "hey-this-ham-and-egger-can-do-it-why-can't-I" moment. Or, you could be just looking for the LOLZ and I hope to provide that for you along the way. I'm guessing my workout routines aren't the essence of comedy, so I'm assuming I'll have some inspiration to put something else of interest as I post. Or you can laugh at me mercilessly as I stumble through my first foray into public writing. Let's get to it!
To start, I've decided to revisit a now-old but effective regimen - Body For Life (http://bodyforlife.com/). I first completed the course back in aught 1, when I first moved to Virginia Beach and had zero social life. I marveled at the transformation of those depicted in the book. Naturally, I thought it was total bullshit. But, if I got a portion of the results these freaks of nature did, I would be made in the shade! So I jumped in fully. And even though I didn't look like I could be the cover model of "Cut Up Oily Meat Head Monthly", I saw significant results. I didn't lose a pound. That's right, zero. BUT! I went from 27% body fat to 15% in 12 weeks. So I got muscl-y and less love-handle-y. Naturally, the weekend after I finished the 12 weeks I went to New York, hung out with buddies, eat like shit, drank like Robert Downey Jr. off the wagon, smoked, and put myself on a path that leads me to..........today. I'm facing the wrong side of 35, I've never been fatter, and I find a new ache every morning when I drag my ass out of bed. So I basically looked at myself (cue insipid motivational montage) in the mirror and decided....NEVER AGAIN.
My goals are simple - lose 30 pounds of fat, gain 10 pounds of muscle, and do it in 12 weeks. They're not easy, but they're straight forward. They're not easy because the workouts can be tough, I get bored easily, and I FUCKING HATE WORKING OUT. Oh, did I not mention that? Yah, I'm guessing that's one of the reasons the Hutt-like form writing this came to be. The nutrition portion I can handle - 6 small meals a day (protein, carb, veggie/fruit), that I figure come out to 200-300 calories a meal. All protein is lean (chicken/fish), carbs are complex (whole wheat FTW), and tons of veggies which is A-OK with me. Best part though - you get a CHEAT DAY! Holy mother of monsodium glutamate and high fructose corn syrup I get a cheat day! Planning it to be a slovenly 12 Saturdays, filled with fried, oily foods, washed down with the finest liquors I can get my grubby paws on. I can already see my first cheat day already.....beer, chicken wings and pork, potatoes...'scuse me while I clean the drool up....
The workout part is 6 days - three weights, three cardio. Since I missed Monday ('cause I'm nothing unless I'm the worlds best self-bullshitter), I'll run down the routine. Cardio will be activities with increasing intensities every minute for 5 minutes, then back to a lesser intensity. If you looked at a graph of my run yesterday, it would look like the profile of four half-made pyramids (no wonder the Egyptians didn't spare the whip har har). The idea is by confusing the heart and making my exercise EKG look like every organ is gonna burst out of my chest, I lose weight. Well, the buff looking gentleman on the cover of B4L says that's the way to do it, and why would he lie to me? Right? So far, so good with day one. I ate well, never cheated, and got my cardio in. So, let's get with the fat loss. I weighed myself before yesterdays run/waddle/collapse, and I was 201 with my shoes on. So, let's call it an even 199 because I don't know if my fragile ego can take 2 bills. And I'm guessing my 6 year old running shoes weigh at least 2 pounds.
Today was lower body - quads, calves, hamstrings, abs, all with the same idea: increasing the intensity throughout each workout. So, you do 12 reps on the lowest weight, 10 on a higher weight, 8, on the higher weight, then 6, then 12 on the same weight as the 8-rep weight, THEN do a totally different exercise for 12. I used to play soccer very competitively when I was younger. I still have the legs, but HOLY FUCKING MUSCLE BURN I couldn't get through it today. Granted, they still look unreal (haterz gon' hate) but the fact I couldn't get though what I consider a strong suit for me opened my eyes. It's a long road ahead for me, that's for sure....and if this doesn't work out, I can always follow in the footsteps of my idol, Patrice O'Neal.
Current weight: 199 lbs
Current Body Fat: um....that would be helpful, right?
